On Palm Sunday, 3/28/2010, my stepfather died of brain cancer. The week before, my friend's mother died of complications associated with lymphoma and heart failure. The following week, our buddy Jo died of pancreatic cancer. It was just too much illness and death from cancer to leave my coping mechanisms untouched. I felt myself getting pulled further and further under water with each of their last days. I wanted to feel lucky to be alive, to have emerged from my own two bouts of cancer, but I couldn't muster it. My mood slipped lower and lower, sinking me into a panicky, worried state. Several days later, I attended a medical conference on the H1N1 or swine flu. The researcher presented information on the number of cases recorded in the state with information on the number of deaths from the virus. Three people died in the Duke Bone Marrow unit where I received my Leukemia treatment from June until November of 2006. That just hit too close to home. Had it been different timing, it could have been me dying of the flu when my immune system was obliterated by my chemo. Had it been different timing, it could have been me who was treated with Tamiflu, only to discover that my virus was resistant. Had it been different timing, it could have been me they intubated when my lungs stopped exchanging oxygen. No, it wasn't me, but I became more anxious and unhinged anyway.
Then I had my own health scare when one of my cell counts fell a bit below normal during one of my routine blood draws. It sent me over the edge. I couldn't concentrate at work or at home. I couldn't relax without worrying that the numbers were evidence that my leukemia was coming back. I fretted through 3 weeks of sadness and a whole new round of "what ifs?" Then I had my blood drawn again. My counts were back to normal. It was just a hiccup. I'd love to say that I found a way to control my emotions and all of the negative thoughts, the worries, but I didn't. My counts just came back to normal, and my mood improved. Hallelujah!
That's where I went for a while.
Happy Birthday to me...48th today.
1 comment:
Hey Tree.
Happy 48th. I'm sorry to read about Brian's death and your struggles, but am glad to hear that your numbers are back up.
I dropped my phone in the river and lost your phone nos. and email, but would love to meet up soon and catch up.
Hope your birthday was good.
Love,
Angela
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