Holly took pictures of the last bag of chemo, that infused from 8p-10p last night. Holly also took a few photos of me in my hospital room, while I was waiting for the last chemo to begin, waiting to walk out of the hospital into the cool night, and waiting to face the next phase of "after cancer." That will be close follow up first for my blood counts while they plummet from the drugs and then rebound as the bone marrow rejuvenates itself. My long term follow up will involve frequent blood tests to monitor my blood counts as well as bone marrow biopsies every 3 mos to check for rogue leukemia cells, if they try to come back. I know from the breast cancer treatment 2 years ago, that the mindset for this next part is different. You have to learn to live with uncertainty. You have to go on and live as if nothing has happened or else you just get bogged down in worry, dread, and fear. I found that I was pretty good at putting my diagnosis and treatment behind me; I don't expect this time to be any different. Going back to work & feeling healthy again help alot to normalize things and allow me to think about the future the same way everyone else does-you know with just enough denial to forget about the fact that we are all going to die someday. That's the thing about having a life threatening illness; you can't forget, you can't deny, you can't pretend-it's in your face pretty often. I didn't dwell on it much, and I certainly maintained and maintain lots of hope for the future. But really, none of us knows what is in store for us, how long we have to live. Having cancer is a big arrow pointing toward that even if you'd rather not go there.
I had some visitors to my room yesterday while I was waiting for my last chemo. Jennifer, the nurse who works with me at my clinic, and Brandy, her daughter came by. Brandy is in her early 20's and was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma about 7 months ago. She finished 6 mos of standard chemo treatment for her type of lymphoma but has failed the regimen. Her most recent PET scan showed a lung nodule which turned out to be more Hodgkin's cancer cells. She is now going to need a bone marrow transplant so that they can use even stronger chemo drugs to get her into remission. She seemed upbeat and rugged despite the news and being in the hospital herself for chemo. As hard as this is for me, I can only guess how difficult it must be for someone so young. Cancer never is fair, by the way. I know the docs in the bone marrow transplant unit will take great care of her, and she'll do well with her attitude. But you wouldn't wish that tough, tough course on anyone, especially after she's already done 6 months of chemo.
The other visitor was my old friend Susan from undergrad. She was at Duke to give a talk about the FDA's position on new biologic molecules that are being invented to treat cancer, MS, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. Most of these drugs are high tech designer antibodies, and currently there is no avenue for approval of generic versions of these medicines. Susan has a PhD in immunology, and her job at the FDA involves inspecting and approving these new types of drugs for human use. Big job, important job, tough job. But she is a tenacious, outspoken, and confident woman, always has been, and she is just the person I want going toe to toe with the drug companies to make a safe and effective medicine. She still has family here in Durham as her parents live in the Duke Forest neighborhood. I am sure it is a thrill for her parents to have her down to give a talk, not just because they are proud of her and her accomplishments, but also because she brought her 5 yo twin boys with her (she is also a twin by the way). I have to say it was like a time warp seeing her-she looks the same, barely any older, and seems much the same temperament wise. We hadn't seen each other since she lived here to do her MPH in toxicology at UNC, and I think that was the early 1990's.
My stomach today is a little icky as it always is after my chemo day. I am also a little dizzy if I stand up too fast, but they gave me blood before I left the hospital and that is helping me to feel a bit more energetic than I might otherwise. I plan to take a walk later while Holly goes off to bicycle with Amy and Sandy. I'll try to eat what I can, though I don't have much of an appetite with this queasiness. I don't head back to clinic until Tuesday morning to get my counts checked; I'm planning on an easy week.
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