Why I Left

On Palm Sunday, 3/28/2010, my stepfather died of brain cancer. The week before, my friend's mother died of complications associated with lymphoma and heart failure. The following week, our buddy Jo died of pancreatic cancer. It was just too much illness and death from cancer to leave my coping mechanisms untouched. I felt myself getting pulled further and further under water with each of their last days. I wanted to feel lucky to be alive, to have emerged from my own two bouts of cancer, but I couldn't muster it. My mood slipped lower and lower, sinking me into a panicky, worried state. Several days later, I attended a medical conference on the H1N1 or swine flu. The researcher presented information on the number of cases recorded in the state with information on the number of deaths from the virus. Three people died in the Duke Bone Marrow unit where I received my Leukemia treatment from June until November of 2006. That just hit too close to home. Had it been different timing, it could have been me dying of the flu when my immune system was obliterated by my chemo. Had it been different timing, it could have been me who was treated with Tamiflu, only to discover that my virus was resistant. Had it been different timing, it could have been me they intubated when my lungs stopped exchanging oxygen. No, it wasn't me, but I became more anxious and unhinged anyway.

Then I had my own health scare when one of my cell counts fell a bit below normal during one of my routine blood draws. It sent me over the edge. I couldn't concentrate at work or at home. I couldn't relax without worrying that the numbers were evidence that my leukemia was coming back. I fretted through 3 weeks of sadness and a whole new round of "what ifs?" Then I had my blood drawn again. My counts were back to normal. It was just a hiccup. I'd love to say that I found a way to control my emotions and all of the negative thoughts, the worries, but I didn't. My counts just came back to normal, and my mood improved. Hallelujah!

That's where I went for a while.

Happy Birthday to me...48th today.

Losing My Way

Last Friday I got a message on my cell phone from a police officer who asked me to call her about a subpoena. I guessed that one of my patients had stolen or forged a prescription. The policewoman informed me that I was being subpoena'd by an attorney in Asheville who needed me to testify in the criminal case of a former patient. The attorney had actually called me two weeks prior to ASK me if I'd be a witness for his client, someone who had been accused in a sex abuse case. The attorney hoped to refute the sex abuse allegations with my testimony verifying that his blood pressure medications made him sexually impotent. I refused to testify in his case, so he had me subpoena'd to compel me to testify. Usually I would be only irritated by such a maneuver. But I really lost my way on this one. My family has had plans to vacation at the beach with my newly widowed mother for months. Each year, my mother rents a wonderful place at the beach during the week of my birthday. This year, after all of the stress associated with my stepfather's diagnosis and subsequent death from brain cancer, we have been particularly looking forward to our week at the beach. I explained to the lawyer that I had a week of vacation with my family planned for the week of his trial. He explained that the court proceedings in this criminal case in Superior Court would take precedent over my vacation. (As my friend who is a lawyer explained-"the court doesn't care if you have vacation since your testimony may decide whether someone goes to jail ..."). I have to say, I came undone by this whole episode, which seemed like such an unfair travesty. I did not want to testify for this creep, and I resented the jerk of a lawyer for serving me with a subpoena that would potentially wreck my vacation unless he found another MD from my former clinic to testify.

I am ashamed to say that I focused entirely too much on the potential loss of my vacation with this inconvenient timing. I was in an "ill mood" as my grandmother used to call it, for most of the weekend and the early part of the workweek. I found it hard to focus on anything other than my anger. I kept telling myself that I needed to relax and let it go. I was letting it control me. And then I realized this whole episode for me was about control. Apparently, I have to keep learning this same lesson over and over again.

When I had cancer the first time, I realized that we are all going along, living our lives, just under the illusion that we are in control. I got through that tough, tough 6 mos of treatment, happy to emerge from the other side no worse for the experience. I went back to work, my hair grew back, and I moved on. When I got cancer the second time, as a result of the chemo and radiation used to treat the 1st cancer, I got that slap in the face again. It's as if the universe was saying (again), "You are not in control." Oh man, how many times am I going to learn and relearn and relearn this one? I mean encore un fois over again...
Sooooo, here I was realizing, encore un fois, that I am not in control. If the Superior Court of Buncombe County tries to subpoena me to testify in this case, who I am I to say that I won't be there-vacation or no. When I finally came to that realization, and let it go, my moodiness lifted. I felt so much happier. I wasn't ill or angry or resentful anymore. The next morning, I telephoned the lawyer and surprisingly was told that I didn't have to appear. He'd found another MD to testify in my stead.

What's the life lesson here? I lost my way because I thought I could control something that I couldn't. We all delude ourselves like this each and every day. Maybe it helps us somewhat. It can be paralyzing to think that whatever you do or plan can be readily undone by the universe. Here's what I took from it: I spent so much time being angry and upset, fretting about what would happen if I "lost" my vacation, that I lost 4 or 5 days to that funk. I'll never get that time back. And unlike most people, I actually am aware that our time here is precious. I squandered some of mine on something that didn't matter, really. Thankfully, when I let it go, I got good news, and I am now writing this from the beach. Hopefully, I'll be smarter next time.