Not sure why, but I woke up a little tired and down this morning. My stomach is a bit queasy today so maybe that is it. Sometime in the night I had those bad dreams that make you scared and angry. Sometimes if I think about the fact that my chemo from breast cancer caused this leukemia, I get angry. I wonder why my doctor used such an aggressive regimen, every other week when every 3 weeks was the standard of care. I remember that once Holly and I questioned her on it (as well as the need for 2 different chemo regimens) and her response was that she wanted to be very aggressive so that I would live a long time w/o a breast cancer recurrence. I don't usually let myself ask what if questions or let myself be angry about all of this. The risk of leukemia is 1 in 100 people treated with chemo, and there is no way to know if you will be the 1 or the 99 who slipped by. But today I am down because it is a hard day. This is alot to go through and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had been treated differently 2 years ago.
I am currently sitting in the recliner at the Outpt clinic while I write this. I am getting a liter of fluid to help with the nausea. I have to weigh in each time I am here, and it has been nothing but down. Today I am down to 115# from 117# last time from 120# in the hospital from my usual baseline of 125#. So I am 10# down. Ouch! And I am doing carnation instant breakfast, ice cream and soup. This is a helluva diet. If anyone wants to lose wt, I think I could give them the recipe.
Tomorrow I have to get my day 14 bone marrow biopsy to look for remission. Hopefully we will get good news there. I think subconsciously (or not so subconsciously) it is weighing on me. If I am not in remission then I have to go back into the hospital for an even higher dose of chemo to try to get me into remission. The bone marrow transplant would occur after all of that.
Some of our pals are heading west to week of rivers. I am so envious of you guys getting to go out to asheville and beyond. I so look forward to the day we can head to the mtns to enjoy our Aville house. You guys be careful and don't go exposing any ribs. Marty has already done that for all of us.
Speaking of Marty, we got the news from Marty and Deb about the next grandchild due Jan 10th. I think I was as excited as they were (something about cancer treatment that makes one embrace new life like never before). We will have to plan a big party for January. And for their sake, I hope it's a girl. Those Riley's seem to have a bunch of boys. I am sure Jason and Lee Anne are very excited.
Well that's all I have for now. Sorry for the mopey tails today. I'll be better again when I feel better.-tree
5 comments:
Hi Tree. I am checking in on your blog (as I do quite often) to see how your night went and how you are doing this morning. I hate to read that you are not having a good day. I hope you have a better afternoon and night tonight. I know the waiting is weighing heavy on you. Hang in there! I'm hoping and praying for good news soon! So are all of my friends. Henry says, "Hi!" He's excited that he gets to come up there with me. He's a good helper. I hope you feel better soon.
Love,
beth
Bottomline, this cancer sucks from all sides (you know this better than I), so give yourself a break and allow yourself to be angry and down. You do not have to be strong for anyone or anything except the cancer. Keep Asheville and the mountains in mind, and know that's what we want more than anything as well. And know we'll be headed up there this weekend with you in our thoughts and prayers. Hoping for good news tomorrow. Amy
Hey there. I'm glad you're getting the anger out. You have every valid reason to be mad as hell! Embrace it, feel it, and when you can ignore it.
Reading the paragraph about the aggressive treatment to make you not have a recurrence was a kick in the stomach to me since that's the same party line I was given. I'll put it as far out of my mind as I can and cross fingers and toes I don't have to think about it anymore.
You have my highest admiration for being so open and honest about what you're going through. Good luck tomorrow. Jamie
Yes, I too am hoping for the remission indications tomorrow. You could use a break like that. Why should you have to take the hard road at every turn? But of course you have the ability to take it all on, if you need to. Thank goodness you have Holly there with you. And your mom, too, right? -Rebecca
Yup, my mom is here helping with everything. She just made peach cobbler and vacuumed the house. Yesterday she oversaw the delivery of the new dishwasher. She is a godsend!
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